In this very spiritual time of the year, it tickles me to focus on how your sins affect moi – because they do, in ways your penis you probably haven’t considered. I mean, look at gluttony…how could that possibly have anything to do with phone sex, right?

Only YOU can prevent Small Penis Syndrome

Did you know that when you put on extra poundage, it thickens the pad around the base of your cock? Think about it – the fat doesn’t push your cock further out, it buries it from the bottom up! According to Oprah’s protege Dr. Oz, you lose an inch of penis for every extra 35 lbs you carry. So if you let yourself get really out of shape, you’re going to have a little pop-up turkey timer for a penis.

Too Stuffed to Stroke

It was estimated that Americans consumed 1.25 billion chicken wings on Superbowl Sunday this year. That’s right – Billion, with a Big Fat B. Let’s say that out of our population of 300 million, 50% don’t eat wings due to age or vegetarianism, and another 20% don’t like them. This means 30% – or 90 million people – are scarfing all that meat down, and that math comes out to 14 wings per viewer in addition to beer, pizza, chips, etc. I reckon that plays a huge part in why we phone sex operators don’t go out of our way to be around for calls that night – you’re all too bloated with buffalo-basted badness! So whether you want to get sexy on the phone, get sexy between the sheets or get sexy in girlie panties, lay off the seconds. Otherwise it’s all an exercise in orgasm self-denial.

I know you’re a Glutton sometimes

How often do you turn down some form of sex – oral, full, self, phone, kinky, etc – because you ate yourself into a stupor? Confess below!

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